Am I the only person out there who isn't always ready for her close up? I can't be the only one who runs out of cat food and has to go to the store in her sweats can I? I guess I don't have to go in my sweats I could change into a designer outfit or even a ball gown if I wanted but we're out of cat food and Phantom is howling. Mind you, if it was Knucklehead I'd be all set. He's more than happy to have a big old bowl of cereal when these issues arise. But the cat is less flexible so somebody is going out. And guess who that somebody is? Mommy.
Anyway, I'm now faced with the fact that my already hectic day must now include an unplanned trip to the grocer. "So what" you ask? "Big deal!" you say. Well you have obviously never experienced (cue the big booming voice over. . .) The Stepford Supermarket Runway Fashion Show show show. Perhaps there is some reason for it, but I have to say I've never come close to understanding why a person would go to that kind of effort to buy bread.
I'm talking full make up, manicured nails, hair blown out and styled, fancy schmancy shoes and the kind of clothes you have to dry clean. I don't even own any 'dry clean only' clothes anymore. . . Again I ask- is anyone expecting the President to drop by for cold cuts? Will the Pope be making an appearance in the Frozen Food aisle? I didn't think so.
So, that's whats facing me as I stumble in the door and slink through the produce section trying very hard not to be noticed. Why bother? They're not going to be seen talking to me anyway but I'd rather not get "the look" when really what I need is cat food. The whole scene is almost as uncomfortable as whats coming next. The un-needed help that is about to be thrust upon me.
For some reason the supermarket in Stepford has grocery assistants. Now I don't mean the nice men and women who bag your stuff as you check out. They have those too but there is also a secondary level of assistance. They actually employ people to assist you with your shopping even after you've checked out. And if you think i'm kidding I assure you that I am not.
The Stepford Mommies have already done their allotted work for the day in collecting all of these groceries in the cart. They can HARDLY be expected to put them into bags, push the cart out to the Mercedes and put the bags into the back all by themselves can they? Of course not! The housekeeper will unload the groceries when she get's home but how the hell is she supposed to get them home?? Thank God for the Grocery Assistants.
My problem is that I only have a 5 pound bag of kibble and I don't even have a cart. I don't even need a bag for goodness sake! But still I am absolutely bowled over with "oh no ma'am's" and "please let me get that for you's" and I'm on the hook. They will not allow me to leave this store unless someone is trailing behind me carrying the cat chow.
Ok, I realize that this service creates jobs so I'll play along even though I find the whole thing humiliating. But what gets me is the big "It is our honor to serve you so please no tipping" sign I have to walk under as I lead my temporary servant out to my car. This store will absolutely not allow you to tip or treat these assistants like humans in any way. I've given up trying to walk next to them or make small talk. Apparently, like tipping, they've been trained to refuse any morsel of friendliness or kindness.
So, needless to say, the very long walk back to my car is excruciatingly uncomfortable. Why the long walk you ask? Well I always park as far away as possible because Stepford Mommies are horrible drivers- but that's another story.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Knucklehead
I've been asked to give a little more detail on the subject of knucklehead. Where to begin? Where to begin?
Knucklehead is a 10 year old Weimaraner. Anyone who knows the breed is probably laughing right now. They are great dogs. . . as long as they get enough exercise. And when I say enough, I mean 3 to 4 hours of flat out running a day. When I first got him that's what he got. I was living on a horse farm and he could just mosey about wherever he wanted.
But we don't have the same freedom here in Stepford. Not only must you prove your dog has had his immunizations and pay too much to get a license but Stepford also has a leash law. That means that your dog must always be contained in the yard by a fence and can never be in public unless restrained on a leash. Neither solution gives Knucklehead enough space to burn off his 'enthusiasm' so he's always in overdrive racing around like a little coke fiend.
That alone wouldn't be the worse thing. There's also the fact that he's poorly trained. My fault! I know but as it stands our home is a maze of baby gates erected to keep him out of the kitchen and any other areas where food might ever be present because when he sees food, he becomes irrational. Like bum-rush-the-small-child-and-take-her-sandwich irrational. He doesn't bite and isn't particularly scary but when a 40 pound little girl sees a 100 pound dog coming for her PB&J, she's giving it up.
Oh, and then there's the fact that he's suicidal. Don't laugh. I'm serious. Knucklehead has had at least 10 near death experiences. Allow me to list a few of the good ones: he once jumped out a second floor window (not a scratch on him- I gave him an aspirin but skipped the vet); ate an entire container of rat poision; ate a corn cob (which was probably 25 cents worth of corn but it cost $5000 to get out of him); ran across 4 lanes of highway traffic and back without getting hit (for no reason either by the way); he has broken into his food and gorged himself at least 2 but probably 3 times (the first time he did it his stomach was so distended that the vet could feel the kibble from the outside of his belly); he broke a pane of glass banging on it and severed an artery; he once stole 2 Halloween sized bags of Kit-Kat's and not only ate all of the chocolate, but also the tinfoil and the plastic bag so as to hide the evidence. I only found out 2 days later when the tinfoil started showing up in the back yard- yuck!; and he has ingested (and expelled) more socks, bathrobe sashes, baby tights etc than any one person could count.
I think those few examples will make you agree that he is aptly named. Forget about the fact that the bugger can tell time and demands to be fed at exactly 7am and 5pm every day- no matter what! In fact, he's barking his head off right now because I'm 15 minutes late!
I'd gladly give him away if I didn't love the little punk so much. :)
Knucklehead is a 10 year old Weimaraner. Anyone who knows the breed is probably laughing right now. They are great dogs. . . as long as they get enough exercise. And when I say enough, I mean 3 to 4 hours of flat out running a day. When I first got him that's what he got. I was living on a horse farm and he could just mosey about wherever he wanted.
But we don't have the same freedom here in Stepford. Not only must you prove your dog has had his immunizations and pay too much to get a license but Stepford also has a leash law. That means that your dog must always be contained in the yard by a fence and can never be in public unless restrained on a leash. Neither solution gives Knucklehead enough space to burn off his 'enthusiasm' so he's always in overdrive racing around like a little coke fiend.
That alone wouldn't be the worse thing. There's also the fact that he's poorly trained. My fault! I know but as it stands our home is a maze of baby gates erected to keep him out of the kitchen and any other areas where food might ever be present because when he sees food, he becomes irrational. Like bum-rush-the-small-child-and-take-her-sandwich irrational. He doesn't bite and isn't particularly scary but when a 40 pound little girl sees a 100 pound dog coming for her PB&J, she's giving it up.
Oh, and then there's the fact that he's suicidal. Don't laugh. I'm serious. Knucklehead has had at least 10 near death experiences. Allow me to list a few of the good ones: he once jumped out a second floor window (not a scratch on him- I gave him an aspirin but skipped the vet); ate an entire container of rat poision; ate a corn cob (which was probably 25 cents worth of corn but it cost $5000 to get out of him); ran across 4 lanes of highway traffic and back without getting hit (for no reason either by the way); he has broken into his food and gorged himself at least 2 but probably 3 times (the first time he did it his stomach was so distended that the vet could feel the kibble from the outside of his belly); he broke a pane of glass banging on it and severed an artery; he once stole 2 Halloween sized bags of Kit-Kat's and not only ate all of the chocolate, but also the tinfoil and the plastic bag so as to hide the evidence. I only found out 2 days later when the tinfoil started showing up in the back yard- yuck!; and he has ingested (and expelled) more socks, bathrobe sashes, baby tights etc than any one person could count.
I think those few examples will make you agree that he is aptly named. Forget about the fact that the bugger can tell time and demands to be fed at exactly 7am and 5pm every day- no matter what! In fact, he's barking his head off right now because I'm 15 minutes late!
I'd gladly give him away if I didn't love the little punk so much. :)
Monday, February 9, 2009
Kick the dog
I'm in a wretched mood. A very un-Stepford mood, I'd say. But nonetheless. . . I just heard from the realtor who is listing my younger-self's condo in NY. The buyer who made a lowball offer and a desperate plea for my consideration (which I fell for) has now decided to back out. B * T C H! ! !
Anyway, I'm now out a considerable amount of money. In NYC you don't get a deposit until the b*tch -oops I mean buyer- gets a sales contract which incidentally costs almost $2000 to 'pull together'. It pisses me off to no end because I'm a flipping certified lawyer in that damned state and god help me but I could have done a flipping contract for flipping free. And by the way, when I say 'flipping' that is NOT AT ALL WHAT I REALLY MEAN!
I'm going to go sleep on it because that's my only real choice. It's that or 1. slit my wrists (very messy) 2. kick the dog (kind of mean but he's a real ding-dong so in his mind that might be retribution for any number of sins) or 3. both of the above with kicking first just in case I show an unexpected talent for slitting. Good night all. I guess you'll all find out how it resolves in the morning.
Anyway, I'm now out a considerable amount of money. In NYC you don't get a deposit until the b*tch -oops I mean buyer- gets a sales contract which incidentally costs almost $2000 to 'pull together'. It pisses me off to no end because I'm a flipping certified lawyer in that damned state and god help me but I could have done a flipping contract for flipping free. And by the way, when I say 'flipping' that is NOT AT ALL WHAT I REALLY MEAN!
I'm going to go sleep on it because that's my only real choice. It's that or 1. slit my wrists (very messy) 2. kick the dog (kind of mean but he's a real ding-dong so in his mind that might be retribution for any number of sins) or 3. both of the above with kicking first just in case I show an unexpected talent for slitting. Good night all. I guess you'll all find out how it resolves in the morning.
Circle of friends
The Stepford Mommy loves to chat. She loves to hang out with her peers and just chat chat chat chat chat. Don't they have any 'friends'? I mean you should see them at pickup. It's only 3:00 and you'd think that they'd been through the war. They absolutely must get all of the horror off their chests. So, they all pull up in their Suburbans, Escalades, Audi SUV's, Mercedes SUV's, Lexus SUV's, Porsche SUV's etc (please note that there is not a single mini van among them- they'd rather walk thank you very much) and then the games begin.
There is obviously some sort of pecking order because immediately upon switching into park the subordinate mommies jump out of their cars (and are nearly hit by other mommies who either can't see over the dashboard or really just don't care) and they do the "preppy jog" over to the driver window's of the superior mommies for a little chat. The superior mommies roll down the window and hold court. They're not getting out for anyone-including their kids! Regardless if little Lance or Emma is stumbling under the weight of his 40 pound backpack. . .
Anyway, it's really quite a sight. I'm sure there are anthropology PhD candidates out there looking for a good dissertation topic and the ritualistic behaviour of the Stepford Mommy would make a great one! All the danger of studying a pride of lions without the trip to Africa!
There is obviously some sort of pecking order because immediately upon switching into park the subordinate mommies jump out of their cars (and are nearly hit by other mommies who either can't see over the dashboard or really just don't care) and they do the "preppy jog" over to the driver window's of the superior mommies for a little chat. The superior mommies roll down the window and hold court. They're not getting out for anyone-including their kids! Regardless if little Lance or Emma is stumbling under the weight of his 40 pound backpack. . .
Anyway, it's really quite a sight. I'm sure there are anthropology PhD candidates out there looking for a good dissertation topic and the ritualistic behaviour of the Stepford Mommy would make a great one! All the danger of studying a pride of lions without the trip to Africa!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Mommy Mafia
In a world where we are obsessed with smoking out the last remnants of the Taliban and destroying the structure of Al Queda you'd think that someone would have noticed that there is a domestic terrorist group out there that is holding literally millions of American women hostage. That's right folks. I'm talking about the PTO.
Unlike their 1950's predecessors the PTA, today's PTO doesn't "Associate." Oh hell no. That stuff is for lightweights. These women were put on this earth to ORGANIZE and by God, they're going to do it. Pity the fool who drives through the pick up line the wrong way or dares park too close to the playground. In some towns the PTO mommies will come to blows if need be but not here in Stepford. All renegade behavior is met with the most deadly of weapons- the icy stare.
Needless to say, I'm familiar with it. I've tried folks. I really have but I can't deal with these committees and women who for the life of them have no idea what they're doing. Last year I got roped into volunteering for one of their damn fundraisers. Seeing as I'm really not the poster-painting type I said I'd keep track of the money. Everyone signed up in advance and sent in checks and I was to keep track on a spreadsheet. No big deal.
Except that apparently it was a big deal. I said I'd just make a spreadsheet and fill it in as the checks were received. We could sort it alphabetically whenever and all would be fine. Except that they kept insisting that they had the spreadsheet from last year and it would be better for me to use that. So, I kept a list of about a million checks, names etc waiting and waiting for last years spreadsheet. And guess what? When they finally emailed it to me IT WAS BLANK!
So, I called and asked them to resend the one with the names and they told me there isn't one with the names but this was the "spreadsheet" I should use. OMG How did these people get through college? How do they get through their days? They are so damned out of touch that they don't even know Microsoft Excel one of the world's most popular programs? NEVER AGAIN!
Now I make sure to volunteer only for jobs that can be done over the net or by email. No more PTO bullsh*t. Heaven.
Unlike their 1950's predecessors the PTA, today's PTO doesn't "Associate." Oh hell no. That stuff is for lightweights. These women were put on this earth to ORGANIZE and by God, they're going to do it. Pity the fool who drives through the pick up line the wrong way or dares park too close to the playground. In some towns the PTO mommies will come to blows if need be but not here in Stepford. All renegade behavior is met with the most deadly of weapons- the icy stare.
Needless to say, I'm familiar with it. I've tried folks. I really have but I can't deal with these committees and women who for the life of them have no idea what they're doing. Last year I got roped into volunteering for one of their damn fundraisers. Seeing as I'm really not the poster-painting type I said I'd keep track of the money. Everyone signed up in advance and sent in checks and I was to keep track on a spreadsheet. No big deal.
Except that apparently it was a big deal. I said I'd just make a spreadsheet and fill it in as the checks were received. We could sort it alphabetically whenever and all would be fine. Except that they kept insisting that they had the spreadsheet from last year and it would be better for me to use that. So, I kept a list of about a million checks, names etc waiting and waiting for last years spreadsheet. And guess what? When they finally emailed it to me IT WAS BLANK!
So, I called and asked them to resend the one with the names and they told me there isn't one with the names but this was the "spreadsheet" I should use. OMG How did these people get through college? How do they get through their days? They are so damned out of touch that they don't even know Microsoft Excel one of the world's most popular programs? NEVER AGAIN!
Now I make sure to volunteer only for jobs that can be done over the net or by email. No more PTO bullsh*t. Heaven.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
