Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Still fighting the good fight!!

Thank you Crazy Sister for asking how I'm doing! I'm ok. . . still fighting the good fight against the Mommy Mafia!

I have to apologize for my absence! I've just been alternating between dizzying busy-ness and short spurts of sweet, sweet downtime. . .

Summer was a blast. We fulfilled one of our greatest wishes and bought a boat! It's no Queen Mary but for us, it's perfect! Let's see. . . .what else? I guess you could say we did a heck of a lot of nothing this summer but we loved every minute of it!

So now we're back to school and doing hard time in the carpool lane ;)

I promise to try harder to keep my blogging muscles flexed!

Friday, April 17, 2009

My 'outer circle'

The blogosphere. It's the oddest thing- it really is. I mean there is no other way on this planet to peek into so many other people's lives. Most blogs are reassuringly mundane. They remind us that normal is normal and regardless of the economy, politics or our own personal turmoil kids will still say horribly embarrassing things at just the wrong moment and pretty much anyone can accidentally step in dog poop.

Then there are the inspirational blogs. Those created by incredibly strong people who want to share their story as it is happening. They show us the power of human spirit in the face of pain or overwhelming odds. How people can, and do, get up and keep going in situations we can't imagine for ourselves. We pray for them. We send love and sometimes money. We need to know this- to see it in action- to believe that God will give us the strength if ever we should need it. We are lifted even if we secretly believe we couldn't carry on if it was us.

But there is a third kind of story too. One we don't initially 'sign on' for but that we live through with our faraway friends through their blogs. Because every once in a while our bloggy friends will be struck by a horrible- often unforeseen- tragedy out of the clear blue. Their mundane posts about dogs eating daisies or the backaches of pregnancy are stopped dead in their tracks by a sudden illness or tragic accident. Our hearts break for these people we usually don't know and we rally around them, if only in our prayers. And we are stronger for this too because we know that today we are lucky but tomorrow it could be us. We remember to appreciate our gifts and never to take them for granted. I've had this type of 'out of the blue' tragedy and I pray that I'll never have another episode. But anything can happen and I'm occasionally in need of that reminder.

Is there a point to this babbling? I'm not sure. But one thing I can say is that I'm grateful for the blogosphere. I'm thankful that I have a place to blurt out the stuff that's sometimes too painful or personal or neurotic to tell my 'inner circle'. I realize that though this blogging I've developed an 'outer circle' of total strangers who have or may come to know me in a different but equally intimate way than my 'inner circle'. I've benefited from their encouragement when I was immobilized with fear and too scared of to reach out to my closest friends for support. And I'm grateful- eternally grateful. I only hope that I can make a worthwhile contribution back to the invisible safety net that I can now rest assured is below my daily high wire act.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Won't you be my neighbor?

The house next door is for sale. Actually the one next to it is for sale too. And one more down the block. Not unusual stuff these days. Many would find it depressing. I know I would if I wasn't such an upbeat and cheery person (HA!)

Anyway, I'm actually pretty psyched because I'm becoming increasingly sure that stars will align and the fates will look fondly upon me and deliver some fantastic new neighbors. People who are friendly and nice. People who will come over when I invite them to hang out. People who (please please please) I might someday consider to be my friends.

It could happen. Stranger things have before, you know. And until then I'll keep shooting 'go away' vibes to the oddballs I see touring the houses and 'yes, yes this is the one' vibes to the fun looking people. And if anyone out there is thinking of moving to a depressingly plastic suburb because of the fantastic schools-maybe you can be my neighbor! We could band together and overtake the PTO in a midnight coup or start a rumor that children who have more than 4 nanny organized playdates a week are less likely to get into the Ivy League college of their choice. . . it'd be a blast!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Overheard in Times Square

No! I don't hang out in Times Square! But when one lives in the 30's on the east side and is careless how they navigate to Zabar's they are occasionally caught in the tourist tide. But I digress. . .

I was walking down Restaurant Row so proud of myself for going across and uptown and back only having consumed 2 Gray's Papaya Hot Dogs (and no coconut champagne due to my diet but either way don't tell Ken because he'll go all 'no meat on Good Friday' which I totally forgot until after the second dog) when I overheard two young (everyone seems young these days- no?) kids saying the following "Oh there's ton's of places to eat here. There's TGI Fridays, The Olive Garden and an Applebees." If I'd been piggy enough to have bought a coconut champagne, and still had any left, I'd have dropped it to the ground then and there!

I mean such frivolous comments I expect from time to time but on RESTAURANT ROW???? What I don't understand is how it is that on these kids weren't struck down by lightening right then and there! Maybe God was too busy with the Good Friday thing. Makes me wish I'd remembered before I hit 72nd Street . . .

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Off to the big city

Hello all! This afternoon I'm off to the Big Apple for a few days! I'd love to say that it's going to be fun filled and action packed but I'm really just going for a few days of R&R. A few mornings of sleeping in and bagel deliveries then long walks to my favorite old haunts for lunch and dinner (see a theme developing here?) then back for a nice glass of wine and a good book. No bright lights or Broadway plays- but that's my NY.

I'll keep you 'posted'!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It's a sunny day!

And all I can think about is my garden!! Of course I've completely gone overboard and ordered something like a million heirloom tomatoes but I'm not going to mention it to Ken until they arrive! Don't the experts recommend keeping the mystery alive in your marriage? I'm sure that's a reference to tomato purchases- aren't you?

Oh, and by the way, am I the only one who is still terrified of mispelling the words POTATOES and TOMATOES? Damn you Dan Quayle!!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Good news at last

Good news at last!!

The results from my tests came back benign! Yay!!

Thanks to everyone for their concern and support. You bloggies are the best!

Friday, April 3, 2009

The wait is over!!

No, not that wait (the Doctor still hasn't called) but the wait to hear about Jamie Oliver's new baby!

Petal Blossom Rainbow was born yesterday. Ok, I'm pretty loose about baby names but when you already have Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo at home do you really need to go to Petal Blossom Rainbow? Why not just take the extra step and throw in Fairydust as well???

Oh well, I still love him anyway :) Best of luck to all.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

And now the wait. . .

Well here I am waiting. What I haven't mentioned is that I found a painful lump in my right breast Sunday. My gp saw me Monday and made an appointment for a mammogram and ultrasound today. (Shame on me for not getting a baseline mammogram last year when she mentioned it. . .)

Anyway, they did a bilateral mammogram and an ultrasound of the right breast. Looks like the painful part was a cyst but they also noticed a 'nodule' that they wanted to biopsy. I'm not a panic freak but this biopsy-able thing wasn't even on my radar and all of a sudden I was wanting an ultrasound of the left breast. Like really wanting it. So, I did my magic and convinced the very nice Radiologist to give a look on the left side.

Lo and behold she found what she called a "complex cyst" over there and she decided to slate me for the biopsy and cyst aspiration in a couple of hours. They suggested I go home and relax but I know me and I was sure that I'd just surf the web until I was whipped into a self induced panic so I bought a Danielle Steele, a sandwich and wasted some time..

Long story short, the complex cyst turned out to be a cyst and a mass so next thing you knew I had two cysts and two biopsies. They placed markers at the locations of the biopsies, told me not to worry and that I'll get my results at 3pm tomorrow.

And so I went home and thought slightly nervous I was ready to just wait it out until my darling Ken pointed out that they probably say that to everyone (THANKS KEN!). He's probably right. I mean what are they going to say- go home and freak for 24 hours???

So now I wait. I'll let you know what happens.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Food for thought

"Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them." H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Baby Oliver

I can't possibly be the only person in America who is going out of my mind in anticipation of the birth of Jamie and Jools Oliver's third child can I? It's ridiculous and I'm certainly not the type to be such a 'fan' but they just seem like the happies people and I know they've wanted this child for so long.

I need help. . .

Do not tell The Flyer

Do NOT, I repeat do NOT tell The Flyer that Mommy cleaned out her closet. It really was self defense given that the house was about to explode due to completely-outgrown-little-girl clothes that she wouldn't let me purge. Oh, and the fact that Mommy went crazy on Ebay and bought 15 Lilly dresses for the summer. . .

Honestly, The Flyer has more clothes than any middle aged woman I know. Between my love affair with Lilly and Godmother L's obsession with kids clothes this child could open a store. But I digress. The bottom line is that now all drawers can actually close, the closet is more than a bursting pile of crazy and every pair of shoes actually fits!

I'm not too concerned that she'll catch on about the purge. I'm sure she thinks that it's all just in the laundry- givent that we don't have a great turnaround time here. . . So, as long as I can sneak those 5 bursting bags over to Goodwill I'm in the clear.


Monday, March 30, 2009

Sunny thoughts for a rainy day

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Asparagus means I'm home

Nope I haven't lost my mind (yet). This weekend the Flyer and I planted our Asparagus bed. It's been on my list of things to do forever but I never got around to it. You see, Asparagus isn't for the faint of heart. At best you're looking at two years to produce anything edible and there's some work involved so it's always represented (to me at least) the kind of thing you don't undertake unless you know you're not going anywhere. Like when you know you're home.

And though we've been here for nearly seven years (!?!) until Ken, Mini-Ken and Tiffany came along I guess my heart wasn't sure that this house was home. Until now.

So, here's to Asparagus.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I figured it out

I finally figured out what is wrong with me. I need a vacation. And I don't mean a vacation from blogging to enjoy my life. What I need is a vacation from my life to roam around the blogosphere. How does that sound?

Now to get the rest of the people in my life onboard. . .

What the blog is wrong with me, anyway?

Why is it that can't get out of this funk? Is it the weather? The fast approaching big four oh (or should I say big four oh no!) I've been one big crabapple lately and it's bugging everyone including me.

Why am I sitting around wasting my day skimming catalogs and 'shopping' online for stuff I can't afford? Why do I beat myself up again and again for being so chubby instead of going for a run? Why did I have that extra glass of wine last night and let myself get 'obnoxious' (according to Ken)?

What the blog is wrong with me?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Well, I'm back to counting my points. Mommy is never going to get skinny unless she PAYS ATTENTION to what she's eating! I know that's not much of a revelation to many but I've always been able to get away without worrying about portion control (too much) because my eating habits have always been quite healthy.

Until recently. My dearest, loving Ken is a wonderful cook and he loves to feed his family. And I love to eat. We all see where this is going- yup straight to plumpsville. Unless I'm willing to live with a BMI higher than my IQ I'm going to have to get things under control.

And exercise. . . groan. ;)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Horror Show

Ok. So what does one say when their ex breaks up with the long-term girlfriend who your kid thinks is family? Answer: nothing. You hope and pray that it all works out.

AND . . . what if it doesn't? What if he decides after 3 months that he wants to marry the 'new' girl (who happens to be Russian and, as far as I understand, in need of legal documentation)?


A peek into my afternoon

A conversation:

Me: Look outside! It's SNOWING!!

The Flyer: WHAT?!?!? Lemme see!!!

Ken: No it's not- holy crap it's snowing!!

A realization: I'm lucky to have already been cuddled by the fire with a glass of wine or I'd have taken this resergence of winter very badly. ; )

Mini meme

I'm not a big fan of those huge long meme things (not that I don't like reading other people's- they can be fascinating) so I'm hoping to head off any future meme's with this brief summary of things one might not know about me:

1. I am a natural blonde. Sure it's not the white-blond of my childhood but I'm not 4 anymore so. . .

2. I have not only a superfun garden but an actual (really small) orchard. Makes me feel like a grown-up!

3. I'm mildly addicted to Yankee Candles and must have one burning in my office during work hours or I'm not at all to blame for my own unproductively. I particularly like the coconut scented one.

4. I am of the firm belief that one of the best things that one can provide for their guest's comfort is a good book and a great place to enjoy it. Since I rarely have guests here in Stepford (Mommy's McMansion is more like a Mc Shoebox) I focus my energies on the beach house and I assure you there are piles of books and nooks to read.

5. I love to cook, sew, create and decorate. I also enjoy going for a nice run but I'm a little lazy so that comes and goes in spurts.

6. I live for that moment on the beach when it's perfectly quiet and I feel as though It's just me and the sun. Ahhh

7. I love my friends and adore entertaining. I wish I had more people in my life who would just drop by. I hate that things have become so formal as to require an invitation. Just pop in for heaven's sake!!

8. Eight is my favorite number

9. Under no circumstances do I ever see myself eating eel. I love Japanese as much as the next Mommy but nope. Not happening.

10. I am fully aware that nobody cares that much about the above 9 things. Except me :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Shut me up Saturday

Well, it's no wordless Wednesday but I thought I'd give it a shot. Anyway, I'm dreaming of summer and here is where I'll be. . . Paradise (ok, it's not all that perfect but check out my plans to redecorate!)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Spring has sprung!!!

And do you know what that means? Mommy's thinking of the beach! I've executed my assault on the snow and I'm happy to report that we have success (or we will by the end of today). So now I'm free to jump directly to thoughts of sun and sand.

Ok, I know that its kinda like putting the cart before the horse but- really- isn't that what I usually do anyway??

Around here we have this odd limbo season I like to think of as pre-spring. It's warm enough to know that winter is over but still not spring-y enough to start gardening so year after year I find myself wandering the local nurseries and physically restraining myself from purchasing plants that will unquestionably die immediately if I ignore all advice and good sense and plant them like I'm dying to.

This year I've decided to skip all that torture and use this pre-spring to focus on what I'm going to do to the family beach house I've inherited to truly make it my own. If you're at all interested I'd love it if you'd pop in and give me your thoughts about my thoughts. . . :)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Melt my snow please

Today is not a nice day at all. It is overcast, cold and rainy. However, I'm not about to let that dampen my spirits. Instead, I'm going to use the rain to my advantage and make my ultimate assault on the permafrost icepack that has thus far refused to vacate my back deck.

Ever since the first 'warm' day a few weeks ago I've been chipping away at it. Ok, I know that nobody is going to be hanging out back there for a while but I am experiencing this compulsive need to eradicate all reminders of this winter's horrible snows. For the most part it's all melted and elsewhere my plants are starting to bud and all is right with the world. But still the view out my window is of snow and ice. I can't stand it! So yet again I was out there this morning in my jammies and winter boots stomping away and breaking the ice into the smallest possible chunks to speed melting.

Ken is this close to flying in a team of Psychiatrists from Austria so I'd better hope it works this time. Maybe I'll just go crunch those bits a little smaller before he comes home. . .

Monday, March 9, 2009

My most humble apologies

To you the adored readers of my most insignificant of blogs I offer my humble apologies for my recent lack of posting. To the unbelievably interesting people to whose blogs I am addicted and follow with a passion which might be consider odd (were you not so fabulous) I apologize for my recent lack of participation. I assure you that I will catch up.

Where the hell have I been? Right here in Stepford, of course- which is sort of like hell but that's another story. I've been tinkering with the idea of changing up the format of my little blog and between that and 'work', this mommy's life has been B U S Y!

Short catch up: birthday party went fine. (can not for the life of me understand people who choose to work in places where said birthday parties are held- I'd rather be strung up by my ankles); work is the same as ever (as far as I can tell because Lord knows I'm not paying as much attention as I should); the weather is still crazy (we've had snow followed by 60 degree weather followed by snow more than once in the last couple of weeks); The Flyer is still dragging me to cheer competitions (I spent the last two days waking at 5:30 to rush to a place filled with 2500 children who shouldn't be wearing makeup) and knucklehead- he's right on track with his plot for family, if not world, domination.

So, to recap: sorry, sorry, sorry. I'll do my best to figure out this blog rehab or get over the idea asap. Missed you guys!!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Please excuse me while my heart breaks

I'm sorry to have been such a downer lately. I've been sick and not at all my usual pithy self. And now it's worse. . .

Believe it or not, I've spent the last couple of days in bed thinking I'm being too hard on these Stepford Mommies. Maybe they're just the way they are because they're trying to fit in? I dunno. But now I'm back to resenting the hell out of them. Why you ask? Because they're mean.

The flyer's birthday party is coming up and only 4 of the people invited have RSVP'd. Ok, no big deal but apparently the others are slow to respond because there is another party scheduled at the same time. That's fine- can't help these little glitches in life- but you see I wouldn't know about the other party because my daughter wasn't invited. In fact, this isn't the first time. We tried to arrange a play date with one girl only to be told (rather rudely I might add) that she was going to a classmate's birthday party. Hey! The Flyer is one of her classmates and if we were inviting your daughter over it's because we clearly didn't know about any party. Why point it out and make my kid feel bad?

Come to think of it, my kid has only been invited to 2 parties this year. One from a girl in her class and another from a girl in the other class. There are 18 girls in her grade this year (and btw we invited all to The Flyer's party). We are more than half way through the year so you'd think that there would have been more than 2 parties, wouldn't you?

In what demented universe is it ok to invite some but not all of your kids classmates to a birthday party? I get it that 37 is too many kids so no need to invite the whole grade but there are 18 and 19 in individual classes. You could invite the whole class or all of the girls in your class (9 in one and 8 in the other) or all of the girls in the grade but why leave people out? Does it make the kids feel better because they've snubbed someone? Or is the Mommies who are doing this selective inclusion?

Does this cult really need to indoctrinate their 8 year old daughters into the cycle of snobbiness?

Thursday, February 26, 2009


Ugh. This economy stinks. And by the way STINKS isn't at all what I really want to say. It's worse than stinks because every single one of us has been affected and not only do we suffer from our personal ouches, we suffer on behalf of our friends and neighbors who have lost more than we have.

I know that I have a charmed life. I really do! Despite the petty annoyances and the realization that I'll never live up to my full potential (look- that'd be a full time job in and of itself and I just don't have that kind of energy anymore- I'm turning 29 for the 11th time people!) I have it pretty good. But even those of us who have it pretty good are feeling the pinch. And it's bumming me out.

I'm doing my best not to pass the pinch on to my kids. I know that the older 2 are aware that there is a recession but they can't really figure what that means and The Flyer? She's got no clue. Her life is consumed by take-apart erasers and cheerleading competitions. I'm not trying to spare them out of any kind of Mother Teresa type of thing but I just think this isn't what little people should be worried about. We're (THANK GOD) not going to be losing our home and we're both still employed but the pain of this crunch has meant that Ken and I have cut back our own pleasures. For example, we haven't gone out to dinner on a 'date' since August. Not that it's burned in my memory. . . anyone else feeling the pinch?

I feel so bad complaining but I'm thinking it will help to put my cards on the table. One of my very best friends once showed me that your worst fear or biggest shortcoming is much more manageable if you just own up to it. Keeping it hidden away creates a whole 'other' layer of stress. She told me "How can people make you feel bad about a fact that you put out on the table yourself?" What she was saying was that if you can own up to your circumstances and reality then you'll never feel threatened by being exposed. Does that make sense to you?

I'm hoping that someone out there gets it too. Otherwise my current state is just going to be added onto the list which I'm sure will be used to commit me one day. . .

Crazy bus

You all know its nutso around here but sometimes things get so weird that I honestly think I've been transported into a Seinfeld episode. Well last night was one of those times and I kid you not I was looking around for the hidden camera in case I was being punked.

It started out with a phone call from Ken's dad. He's a wonderful, sweet man with a heavy European accent that only adds to the flavor of this story. Basically he's calling to tell us that he's disappointed in us and he doesn't understand how we could do 'this' to Ken's dear old uncle. "He was just trying to do something nice for you and you go and break his heart- how could you do such a thing? He's an old man, you know."

Great. Now I'm in trouble for doing things I didn't even know I did. Of course what soon unfolds is a story of love, rejection, confusion, accusation and frustration. All regarding fruit no less.

Apparently Ken's sweet old uncle decided to send us one of the ginormous boxes of fruit from sunny old Florida. But it seems as though he sent the coffin-o-fruit to Ken's old address where it was deemed 'undeliverable' and promptly returned to not so sunny Tennesse from whence it came. Cue the notification to the Uncle that said Nephew has 'refused' the delivery. You can see where this is going. . . anyway once we explained to Ken's dad that the problem was the wrong address and that we'd take care of it in the morning the second layer of irony kicked in.

Apparently the fruit company is none too happy with these sort of things and somewhere there are about 30 grapefruits threatening to go bad so they're on the case like Miami Vice. No sooner did we hang up with Ken's dad then the phone was ringing again from the Fruit folks. They called 2 more times last night and again at 7:30 this morning. And by the way, they're not at all sweet and humble like the orange growers on those tv commercials for the juice. Maybe it's because they're not really in sunny Florida at all but they're just mean. Like Ken-moved-on-purpose-to-avoid-their-delivery kind of mean. So now it seems that they will be calling us on a regular basis until either a) the fruit in question arrives or b) we fear for our lives and lie about the delivery saying we're enjoying it this very second so they'll stop harassing us.

Honestly, I don't even want the damn fruit anymore but I do wish to get off of this crazy ride. Driver this is my stop!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Confession: I am an addict

I admit it. I'm an addict. It's shameful and has taken over my life but I am completely powerless to avoid my craving for a select few types of ridiculous tv shows. There is not a single food based reality competition series that I can avoid and I also have a stupid penchant for watching home buying and reno shows. Its affecting my family.

Every time Ken walks in and catches me he is forced to spin on his heel and flee the room. The flyer is considering pulling together a contract to outline the programming that she will agree to while spending time with Mommy. I'm looking into therapy and am welcome to suggestions regarding support groups or helpful reading selections. Because the madness must stop. Ok, maybe not stop but be controlled a little because addictions are a serious thing. I can't let my life be taken over by vicarious food based competitions and perhaps a tad too much wine enjoyed while watching the former.

Did I forget to mention the wine? Well, I'm not that worried about it because I've developed selective hearing and will only acknowledge the studies that show its good for you. Also, there is no way I can survive in this town without a regular allotment of alcohol. So really, we only need to worry about the tv. One vice at a time. . .

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sorry guys

I'm having a tough week and frankly, despite the desperate need to blog about the ridiculousness of my life, I'm not feeling it. Not to throw a pity party but things are tight here (they are everywhere) and financial stress is just one more thing that I don't need.

Also, this week is The Flyer's birthday which is a happy occasion. It's a blessing to have a wonderful, healthy happy child but a bit of me gets sad this time of year because each extra candle on the cake is another step away from being my baby.

Only the most morose of morose can turn a little girl's birthday into an occasion for tears so I'll just take the rest of the day off.

Friday, February 20, 2009

The three Jacintas

Jacinta is not a very common name. At least not around here. What's odder still is to coincidentally employ three Jacinta's in a row. What am I talking about? It's a long story.

You see I know a Stepford Mommy who has had that happen. Her last three nannies/housekeepers/indentured servants were all named Jacinta. These three (unfortunate if you ask me) women came from different parts of the world and yet all shared this one name.

Jacinta the first, as we shall call her, was a very nice lady. She was a bit older but was able to keep up with our Stepford Mommy's three young daughters pretty well until the arrival of baby number 4. That was just too much for Jacinta the first and so she hopped the first train out of town.

Of course our Mommy was distraught. Calls were made and lo and behold! Who arrives on the doorstep but Jacinta the second. An odd coincidence considering that Jacinta the second was from Brazil not Florida like Jacinta the first- but nonetheless our Mommy was saved!

For about one week. Poor Jacinta the second was no match for those four adorable little blessings (or maybe it was the one Mommy- who knows?) So despite offerings of riches and even a car, Jacinta the second hit the road as well.

Finding Jacinta the third took a bit longer. This time our Mommy (and the agency placing all of the Jacinta's) wanted to be sure that the proper match was made. They needed someone who had been through rigorous training- perhaps the Israeli army even. Someone who wouldn't be put off by our Mommy's shrill voice or frequent rants- perhaps someone hard of hearing. Someone who had boundless energy so that she could not only keep up with the children but simultaneously clean, cook and carpool- because our Mommy is busy enough keeping herself entertained and can't do any of the above.

And were these prayer's answered? Yes they were. And I'm happy to announce that as far a I know, Jacinta the third is still alive, well and living in her cramped nanny quarters in Stepford. But the funny thing is that Jacinta the third (and Jacinta the second come to think of it) they don't ever refer to themselves as Jacinta. For some odd reason when they introduce themselves they use some sort of code or nanny pen-names like Maria or Sara. It's really quite odd. Almost as strange as employing three Jacintas in a row. . .

Monday, February 16, 2009

Stepford Mommies are following me

I'm on vacation this week and, as you might have guessed, I've been looking forward to a week without interacting with my hometown nemesis so imagine my surprise when The Flyer said "Look Mommy! I see a family from my school!! And wait! There's another family over there!!
Guess what I said? Fantastic! Grab your stuff- it's time to go!!
Ok, so maybe they're not following me but they are showing up wherever I am so you make the call. . .

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Stepford Mommies have always been crazy

I was lying in bed last night not sleeping- which I do a lot of- and trying to recall what the average Stepford Mommy was like when I was a child. To tell you the truth, I don't really remember. I was pretty caught up in my own little kid world.

But then I remembered one of the wackiest Stepford Mommies ever. She was a very nice woman- rail thin; beautiful natural blonde hair; gorgeous home; athletic; funny and as nutty as a fruitcake. This woman walked around everywhere with a plastic bag full of parsley and she would proceed to eat it all day long. I don't mean a nibble here and there- this lady spent her entire day eating parsley like it was popcorn.

To make matters worse, she would go through 'spells' of extreme exhaustion (probably due to malnutrition) and she would be forced to call the Stepford Police Department to pick up her kids from the Stepford Country Club and deliver them home because she just was not able to do it herself. And you know what? They did pick up her kids and drive them home like a law enforcement cabbie service and they didn't even arrest her for being a loon.

Only in Stepford.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Stepford Dump

I love the Stepford Dump. I really do. It might be argued that I can't get enough of it. I go as often as possible and its the very first place that I take anyone who is visiting from out of town. Am I deranged? Possibly yes. But, we already knew that didn't we?

So, I thought I'd toss together a list of reasons I love the dump.

6. They have an amazing recycling facility. I'm not the world's greenest person but I'm trying

5. They have a swap area where people leave very nice stuff for others to take. I once got a great shop vac there.

4. They have a book swap area too. I have to admit some of them are a little funky but its a great place for people who collect National Geographics (which I don't but my little brother did for years) because somebody's always dropping off their old discarded collection.

3. They compost all of the plant material that is left at the dump and give it away free so I can have compost for my garden without all the work. :)

2. They provide all the salted sand you can shovel in the winter. That is certainly easier than buying expensive bags of ice melt.

And the absolute number one reason:

You will never, never, never run into a Stepford Mommy at the Dump.

The Supermarket Runway Fashion Show

Am I the only person out there who isn't always ready for her close up? I can't be the only one who runs out of cat food and has to go to the store in her sweats can I? I guess I don't have to go in my sweats I could change into a designer outfit or even a ball gown if I wanted but we're out of cat food and Phantom is howling. Mind you, if it was Knucklehead I'd be all set. He's more than happy to have a big old bowl of cereal when these issues arise. But the cat is less flexible so somebody is going out. And guess who that somebody is? Mommy.

Anyway, I'm now faced with the fact that my already hectic day must now include an unplanned trip to the grocer. "So what" you ask? "Big deal!" you say. Well you have obviously never experienced (cue the big booming voice over. . .) The Stepford Supermarket Runway Fashion Show show show. Perhaps there is some reason for it, but I have to say I've never come close to understanding why a person would go to that kind of effort to buy bread.

I'm talking full make up, manicured nails, hair blown out and styled, fancy schmancy shoes and the kind of clothes you have to dry clean. I don't even own any 'dry clean only' clothes anymore. . . Again I ask- is anyone expecting the President to drop by for cold cuts? Will the Pope be making an appearance in the Frozen Food aisle? I didn't think so.

So, that's whats facing me as I stumble in the door and slink through the produce section trying very hard not to be noticed. Why bother? They're not going to be seen talking to me anyway but I'd rather not get "the look" when really what I need is cat food. The whole scene is almost as uncomfortable as whats coming next. The un-needed help that is about to be thrust upon me.

For some reason the supermarket in Stepford has grocery assistants. Now I don't mean the nice men and women who bag your stuff as you check out. They have those too but there is also a secondary level of assistance. They actually employ people to assist you with your shopping even after you've checked out. And if you think i'm kidding I assure you that I am not.

The Stepford Mommies have already done their allotted work for the day in collecting all of these groceries in the cart. They can HARDLY be expected to put them into bags, push the cart out to the Mercedes and put the bags into the back all by themselves can they? Of course not! The housekeeper will unload the groceries when she get's home but how the hell is she supposed to get them home?? Thank God for the Grocery Assistants.

My problem is that I only have a 5 pound bag of kibble and I don't even have a cart. I don't even need a bag for goodness sake! But still I am absolutely bowled over with "oh no ma'am's" and "please let me get that for you's" and I'm on the hook. They will not allow me to leave this store unless someone is trailing behind me carrying the cat chow.

Ok, I realize that this service creates jobs so I'll play along even though I find the whole thing humiliating. But what gets me is the big "It is our honor to serve you so please no tipping" sign I have to walk under as I lead my temporary servant out to my car. This store will absolutely not allow you to tip or treat these assistants like humans in any way. I've given up trying to walk next to them or make small talk. Apparently, like tipping, they've been trained to refuse any morsel of friendliness or kindness.

So, needless to say, the very long walk back to my car is excruciatingly uncomfortable. Why the long walk you ask? Well I always park as far away as possible because Stepford Mommies are horrible drivers- but that's another story.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I've been asked to give a little more detail on the subject of knucklehead. Where to begin? Where to begin?

Knucklehead is a 10 year old Weimaraner. Anyone who knows the breed is probably laughing right now. They are great dogs. . . as long as they get enough exercise. And when I say enough, I mean 3 to 4 hours of flat out running a day. When I first got him that's what he got. I was living on a horse farm and he could just mosey about wherever he wanted.

But we don't have the same freedom here in Stepford. Not only must you prove your dog has had his immunizations and pay too much to get a license but Stepford also has a leash law. That means that your dog must always be contained in the yard by a fence and can never be in public unless restrained on a leash. Neither solution gives Knucklehead enough space to burn off his 'enthusiasm' so he's always in overdrive racing around like a little coke fiend.

That alone wouldn't be the worse thing. There's also the fact that he's poorly trained. My fault! I know but as it stands our home is a maze of baby gates erected to keep him out of the kitchen and any other areas where food might ever be present because when he sees food, he becomes irrational. Like bum-rush-the-small-child-and-take-her-sandwich irrational. He doesn't bite and isn't particularly scary but when a 40 pound little girl sees a 100 pound dog coming for her PB&J, she's giving it up.

Oh, and then there's the fact that he's suicidal. Don't laugh. I'm serious. Knucklehead has had at least 10 near death experiences. Allow me to list a few of the good ones: he once jumped out a second floor window (not a scratch on him- I gave him an aspirin but skipped the vet); ate an entire container of rat poision; ate a corn cob (which was probably 25 cents worth of corn but it cost $5000 to get out of him); ran across 4 lanes of highway traffic and back without getting hit (for no reason either by the way); he has broken into his food and gorged himself at least 2 but probably 3 times (the first time he did it his stomach was so distended that the vet could feel the kibble from the outside of his belly); he broke a pane of glass banging on it and severed an artery; he once stole 2 Halloween sized bags of Kit-Kat's and not only ate all of the chocolate, but also the tinfoil and the plastic bag so as to hide the evidence. I only found out 2 days later when the tinfoil started showing up in the back yard- yuck!; and he has ingested (and expelled) more socks, bathrobe sashes, baby tights etc than any one person could count.

I think those few examples will make you agree that he is aptly named. Forget about the fact that the bugger can tell time and demands to be fed at exactly 7am and 5pm every day- no matter what! In fact, he's barking his head off right now because I'm 15 minutes late!

I'd gladly give him away if I didn't love the little punk so much. :)

Monday, February 9, 2009

Kick the dog

I'm in a wretched mood. A very un-Stepford mood, I'd say. But nonetheless. . . I just heard from the realtor who is listing my younger-self's condo in NY. The buyer who made a lowball offer and a desperate plea for my consideration (which I fell for) has now decided to back out. B * T C H! ! !

Anyway, I'm now out a considerable amount of money. In NYC you don't get a deposit until the b*tch -oops I mean buyer- gets a sales contract which incidentally costs almost $2000 to 'pull together'. It pisses me off to no end because I'm a flipping certified lawyer in that damned state and god help me but I could have done a flipping contract for flipping free. And by the way, when I say 'flipping' that is NOT AT ALL WHAT I REALLY MEAN!

I'm going to go sleep on it because that's my only real choice. It's that or 1. slit my wrists (very messy) 2. kick the dog (kind of mean but he's a real ding-dong so in his mind that might be retribution for any number of sins) or 3. both of the above with kicking first just in case I show an unexpected talent for slitting. Good night all. I guess you'll all find out how it resolves in the morning.

Circle of friends

The Stepford Mommy loves to chat. She loves to hang out with her peers and just chat chat chat chat chat. Don't they have any 'friends'? I mean you should see them at pickup. It's only 3:00 and you'd think that they'd been through the war. They absolutely must get all of the horror off their chests. So, they all pull up in their Suburbans, Escalades, Audi SUV's, Mercedes SUV's, Lexus SUV's, Porsche SUV's etc (please note that there is not a single mini van among them- they'd rather walk thank you very much) and then the games begin.

There is obviously some sort of pecking order because immediately upon switching into park the subordinate mommies jump out of their cars (and are nearly hit by other mommies who either can't see over the dashboard or really just don't care) and they do the "preppy jog" over to the driver window's of the superior mommies for a little chat. The superior mommies roll down the window and hold court. They're not getting out for anyone-including their kids! Regardless if little Lance or Emma is stumbling under the weight of his 40 pound backpack. . .

Anyway, it's really quite a sight. I'm sure there are anthropology PhD candidates out there looking for a good dissertation topic and the ritualistic behaviour of the Stepford Mommy would make a great one! All the danger of studying a pride of lions without the trip to Africa!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Mommy Mafia

In a world where we are obsessed with smoking out the last remnants of the Taliban and destroying the structure of Al Queda you'd think that someone would have noticed that there is a domestic terrorist group out there that is holding literally millions of American women hostage. That's right folks. I'm talking about the PTO.

Unlike their 1950's predecessors the PTA, today's PTO doesn't "Associate." Oh hell no. That stuff is for lightweights. These women were put on this earth to ORGANIZE and by God, they're going to do it. Pity the fool who drives through the pick up line the wrong way or dares park too close to the playground. In some towns the PTO mommies will come to blows if need be but not here in Stepford. All renegade behavior is met with the most deadly of weapons- the icy stare.

Needless to say, I'm familiar with it. I've tried folks. I really have but I can't deal with these committees and women who for the life of them have no idea what they're doing. Last year I got roped into volunteering for one of their damn fundraisers. Seeing as I'm really not the poster-painting type I said I'd keep track of the money. Everyone signed up in advance and sent in checks and I was to keep track on a spreadsheet. No big deal.

Except that apparently it was a big deal. I said I'd just make a spreadsheet and fill it in as the checks were received. We could sort it alphabetically whenever and all would be fine. Except that they kept insisting that they had the spreadsheet from last year and it would be better for me to use that. So, I kept a list of about a million checks, names etc waiting and waiting for last years spreadsheet. And guess what? When they finally emailed it to me IT WAS BLANK!

So, I called and asked them to resend the one with the names and they told me there isn't one with the names but this was the "spreadsheet" I should use. OMG How did these people get through college? How do they get through their days? They are so damned out of touch that they don't even know Microsoft Excel one of the world's most popular programs? NEVER AGAIN!

Now I make sure to volunteer only for jobs that can be done over the net or by email. No more PTO bullsh*t. Heaven.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How dumb am I?

Ok I've bitched enough about ending up here. I think I'm actually more mad at myself than anything. . . To be honest, I can't believe that my 18 year old self was so much smarter than my 32 year old self.

At 18 I fully recognized the importance of getting out of this place. I knew I had to do whatever it took to get to the social and cultural opposite of this place. So how is it that after 15 years of living the dream, I ended up back at square one? Well actually a mile down the road from square one but still. . . I'm going to call it cultural amnesia. I completely forgot what a nightmare this place can be.

I guess it's not all bad. There are good schools here, the location is good too- not far from the city. If only the place was populated with people instead of these darn trophy wife androids! I guess since I'm stuck here anyway I should do my best to make it liveable. . . that's definitely going to have to involve some serious venting! I hope you're ready. . .

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I don't fit in

I don't fit in with these people. I don't dress like them, I don't think like them, I don't care about the things they care about. I'm not a size 2. I went to college to get more than a husband. I have a job because I don't want to be a stay at home mom. And-oh most scarlet of scarlet letters- I'm divorced.

Oh yes I did! I said it- DIVORCE! Rumor around town is that they're thinking of making that word illegal. It's merest utterance within the bounds of this lovely burb ought be punishable by stoning or perhaps caning in the town square- but not in front of Talbots- that's bad for business. You see, there are no divorced people here. None. It's simply not allowed. I think they make you sign a contract when you close on your house or something. Who knows how I slipped through the cracks. . . maybe its because I grew up here? Did that little fact distract the secret police enough to let me quietly sneak in? I guess we'll never know but it looks like they've tightened things up quite a bit since then because I haven't seen another divorcee since.

If you think I'm kidding I'm not. Don't bother looking through the phone book- nobody's listed anyway including yours truly. The real skinny can be found in the school handbooks. Not unlike the parent registries at Milton, Winsor and Roxbury Latin these little books contain not only the addresses but the phone numbers and emails of some of the most "hard to get to" people in the state. And if you read very carefully, you'll find just one entry where a mommy and daddy don't share the same address- that'd be the Flyer's.

Of course those pages don't tell the truth of any of those marriages. I know for a fact quite a few of them are ridiculous shams. Just try and get both of those spouses into the same room at the same time- unless there is a social columnist
with a photographer present its not gonna happen. But for all the world to see they are still Mr. and Mrs. So and So- still just as blissfully wed as ever. . .

Do I sound bitter? I think I might actually. Which is weird because I couldn't give a hoot. I don't want what they have. If I did want that crap I'd still be Mrs. Wrong! Nope, I'd rather be Ms. Happy any day. . . We already know what happened to the Stepford Wives. I'm just trying to make it through as a Stepford mommy.


Long, Long ago, when the area that is now known as Stepford was discovered, the early settlers were so sure of the superiority of their new home that they named it "I'm-better-than-you-ville." Although the name has changed over the centuries, that same feeling of undeniable superiority on the part of the residents toward their home remains just as strong. . .

What am I doing here? Have I lost my mind? This can't be real . . . how the hell did I end up in this place?

All good questions. Perhaps the best might be: why in God's name did I pay all that money to live in a place where I don't fit in? Ok, let's be honest. I actually do know how it is that I ended up back here. It was just after giving birth to my daughter that I realized I'd accidentally married Mr. Wrong, I was completely alone and I was in
way over my head. I just wanted to go home. So I did.

Then the chaos of raising a child on my own and the nightmare which is an out of state divorce took over and before I knew it. . . it was too late. I'd missed my window. . .it was time to register for Kindergarten. I was stuck here.

Now I know how all those poor dolphin and whales feel. . . one minute you're swimming around just trying to get your bearings and the next-wham! You've stranded yourself on the beach. Except mine isn't so much of a beach- it's more like an immaculately groomed country club-like prison. But I'm still the same fish out of water.

Somehow my my knee-jerk reaction to 'come home' had resulted in my being not only a resident of Stepford but -
and here it comes so sit down - a Stepford Mommy.